User blog comment:Carol of the bells/Days of Ruin --- Zen's exile, part 1/@comment-25002135-20150115044255

Finally got around to reading this. Sorry it took so long; I wanted to return the favor for when you read that mess of text I wrote earlier, but haven't gotten around to doing so until now. >.< I'm terrible for being so lazy, lol



Anyway, this isn't bad so far. Overall, a bit rushed in my opinion, but still understandable. Let me start at the beginning and work my way through. You had a pretty strong start; it works well in grabbing the reader's attention. However, using the term 'units' bothers me a bit; in a game, that's fine, but this is a fanfic, the story of Zen and her exile! “Allies” might be a much better term. But that's just my preference.

Or even subordinates, if you want to keep the summoner and summoned ranking thing in the game, idk.



“A monotone voice” → monotone should be monotonous,

“look of disdane” –> disdane is spelled disdain “My decision is finaly” → finaly should be final

 I could go on, but I'll stop for now; basically, it would be great if you could get someone to proofread your work. I wouldn't mind lending a hand there, but I won't consider myself that great of a proofreader.

I also have a question; if Zen and Ko are of the same family, how is it shameful to their family name for Zen to lose to a more experienced member of the same family?

Other than that, I will say that this is actually quite good. You have an interesting concept to work with here, so I look forward to where you take this. (Of course, I'll have to read up the rest of the chapters you have out already, lol) It might seem like I'm nitpicking a lot, but that doesn't mean it's bad at all— so keep up the good work!