User blog comment:The Zero of Faram/Guardian's Peril:Chapter 1/@comment-25002135-20150629053733

Anyway, got around to reading this. I'll just comment here, but I did read on to later chapters.

It's not bad, but how do I put it... writing in 1st person may seem easier, but it comes with a lot of challenges as well, especially when one uses it to tell a story. I'm not saying writing in 1st person is bad, but you need to pull it off well for it to be effective, and I'm not really seeing it here; not to mention that the flow is a little hard to read for me. Changing who speaks in 1st person can help alleviate the challenges somewhat, but not much— you have to change the way the narrator speaks to fit the speaker's personality when you do so. The descriptive language felt a little boring at times, making it feel like I was just simply reading a sequence of events. I know that the characters are expressing different kinds of emotions, but I'm not really getting it-or maybe it was just me. It does get somewhat better in later chapters, though, so maybe others might not have this trouble at all, idk.

Some grammar errors here and there, so maybe you should look into getting someone who is willing to edit/proofread your work? There's also the option of proofreading it yourself, but to do that effectively one needs to ignore it for at least a day before reading it again. There was that anonymous summoner (I would assume it's Starlily19?) who commented on later chapters on various things that I also agree with, so I won't mention those here.

Anyway, while the premise isn't unique, it IS a fanfic, so no points off there. And besides, there's nothing wrong with overused cliches/premises if you can take it in a new, interesting direction, imo. And with so little to background that bf provides for their units, there's a lot you can work with, so I'm somewhat interested to see how you will interpret the guardian's history. Keep up the good work.